Wednesday, November 26, 2014

One Colour

When I saw this title "one colour" I immediately thought of grey. The grey of depression. For the lucky ones of us, who don't know what the eff I'm talking about, I'll elaborate.

A few years ago, when I fell down really deep into that awful pit that's depression, I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel at all. There was a bit of fear, because the absolute absence of feeling is kinda scary. The scariness of it all made me get out. It all didn't seem like a part of myself, but a foreign part from outside that made me be this way. Like something invaded me and tried to kill me from within. Because the only way to escape it all seemed to be death. It's the wrong conclusion and I'm glad I had the sense not to do it. (But then again I battled with suicidal thoughts for about 10 years by then, so maybe I've been experienced.)

The depression not only made me feel almost nothing, it also let me taste and see almost nothing. All meals tasted like wet paper. Not in an icky way, just indifferent.

I also couldn't see. My vision changed. All the colours disappeared. Everything had a thick grey fog over it. Like really thick dust and this everywhere I looked. There was no real sunlight any more, it was all a very dark November. Even though I fell into that pit during the summer. All the things didn't have their original colour, instead they were all grey. And I don't mean like in a black and white photograph, because that's different. In a photograph everything has its own shade of grey and this looks quite pretty, I think. But during the depression everything had pretty much the same shade of grey. It made the suicidal thoughts even more sensible. "If the world looks this bad, then let's just get out of it."

Grey can be a pretty colour, if it's surrounded by more lively colours. But on its own, it's just so awful.

I never want to experience "one colour" ever again!


This post is part of Corner View, hosted by Francesca.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Some changes around here

My hiatus from blogging made me think what I want to do with this blog.

At first this blog was created for me to have a voice when I felt nobody would really listen to my ramblings. But right now I feel rather okay about this, so I don't need my blog as an outlet anymore. I also have much less frustration and aggression in me (most days), so I don't need to rant as much. Rants usually just pass through my head once and either make it out of my mouth quickly or never make any appearance. This is good. But this blog needs to change accordingly.

I still want to blog, because I massively enjoy reading blogs and I like blogging. Just recently I read a post about optimizing your blog for search machines and how to earn money with it. But I don't want to earn money with blogging. It's not just that I don't need it (my job pays well), it's also that I don't want to spoil my blog with such interests. My blog should be about enjoyment and not really anything more. If people read and comment, even better!

Since rants are pretty much out I want to change the topics of this blog. From now on there's gonna be labels and new topics. For example I want to post about travels, too. I've been to some really nice places and want to show all of you. Also I want to post more pictures to liven things up.
Maybe I'll do some how-to posts about Germany. There are some things I encountered with Akane or other friends from abroad that made me think "There should be an easy explanation of this online, because otherwise how are these people supposed to know." So I might as well just do that.
There are more things I want to write about shared flats and moving. I have ideas, just need to write them down.

Actually, I look forward to these new times a lot! Looking forward to blogging is great!